How to Dress Without Looking Like a Nerd

I am trapped living and working in the heart of the Silicon Valley (on the peninsula between San Francisco and San Jose). Engineers are easy to identify because of their "uniform." The most common uniform is composed of shorts, a free corporate T-shirts, white socks, dirty sneakers, etc. There are some factions who enjoy polyester pants and pocket protectors on short-sleeve cotton shirts, and others who are clad from head to toe in their corporate logo (Sun makes this possible, for example).

I am not suggesting that every engineer must necessarily conform to mainstream notions of fashion, and I am all for declarations of "individuality." But, that said, why dress as a fashion disaster unless there is at least one compelling reason to do so? I have asked a number of my friends and colleagues to defend their choice of garb, and invariably I hear the following arguments:

"But I'm so comfortable." You can live in perfect comfort and be well dressed; comfort is not an issue. And if you have become such a wimp that you need to be ultra-comfortable, it is better to get a clue: engineering has made you weak, and you have grown too soft.

"But I'm too fat to buy good clothes, I'll wait until I lose weight." The solution here is simple: look as good as you can, now, and get new clothes; as you start losing weight, the tailor will help you to take things in, and eventually you will donate the clothes to charity and buy new ones. Why spend months if not years at a fraction of your (aesthetic) potential?

"I want somebody to see my inner beauty and not get distracted by external superficiality." If your firm has a successful IPO there is some small chance of this, but give it up---if your inner beauty was so significant you'd be out on a date instead of randomly surfing the Internet and reading articles like this one.

"I don't have any money." Sell the digital camera and PlayStation II that you just bought, and don't be in such a rush to finish your DVD library. Engineers make enough money; it is just that they tend to make the wrong items priorities in their purchase queue.

Indeed, there are countless arguments to dress like a natural scientist or engineer, but none of them really make any sense, except perhaps for total apathy. Working under the premise that you will give all of your existing clothes away, there are three basic options to choose from:

Option I: Have a professional dress you.

If you can afford it, go to an Armani boutique and have somebody dress you. Yes, it's just that simple. Most high-end stores have professionals who can dress you to impress!

Option II: Have a friend pick out clothes for you.

If you have a friend with excellent taste, ask them to take you shopping, and buy everything that they tell you to wear. Have them match up outfits for you that are coordinated. Write down the combinations that they suggest, and pick one of them when you get dressed every day. (Just be careful not to wear a given outfit too often....)

Option III: Dress yourself with O.N.B.

This sounds frightening, but it is relatively easy. The key secret is this: "one non-black." In other words, wear everything in black, except for one major item. For example: Consider black wool pants, black leather shoes and a black leather belt in conjunction with a cream-colored mock turtleneck. The turtleneck is the non-black item. Get it? Note that if you're a blonde with big hair you've already got one non-black accessory, so you can wear all-black clothing and still be O.N.B.

Suggested Implementation Details

There is a very important rule that one should always keep in mind with regard to clothing: if it does not fit, give it away or have a tailor fix it. Now, it's time to shop!

Start by throwing all of your nasty shoes and socks away, as you can only wear sneakers in the gym or while running. Outside of athletic endeavors, you can only wear leather dress shoes from now on. Get nice black leather dress shoes, leather belts, and black cotton socks. In general, leather colors should all match, and given that O.N.B. is the basic dressing theory, make the leather black.

Get lots of black wool pants, as these will be what you wear most often. Next, get lots of black wool sweaters, and black shirts (silk turtle necks, etc.).

Turning to undergarments, give away your corporate T-shirts and replace them in traditional white and black. If you wear a black sweater, put a black T-shirt under it; if you wear a white shirt, put a white T-shirt under it. (Do you need a red T-shirt, for example? You might.) Your T-shirts should remain invisible, and even so, they should still have no corporate logos or clever statements ("know fear") on them, unless you're at the gym. (I do not dare venture to give advice in terms of underwear, since I presume that you have figured that one out.)

Now that you have the basic foundation---i.e., the ability to wear everything in black---you can start to add non-black clothing. Grey is an excellent addition, and you can basically opt for anything else that you like; given that everything goes with black, and that "black is the only truly modern color" (was that Vogue?), you're all set.

Of course you earn extra style points if you get a few jackets, as they are extremely flexible components, both in both black and other colors.

Don't forget to get rid of your big plastic watch with its LCD display and altimeter---get a Rolex, IWC, or something else, instead. You don't even need an expensive watch; get something simple with an analog face, and if you cannot afford a Seiko, even a Timex is great!

If your glasses are broken and covered with tape, throw them into the trash moments after you get new glasses made with high-index of refraction polycarbonate and anti-reflective coating.

If you're a male, get a tuxedo. A tuxedo is perfect for parties, since it is really just a uniform; you put it on and have nothing to worry about (except perhaps for sitting on some guacamole by accident). Evening gowns are some of the most stunning pieces of clothing that a woman can wear, although their selection is somewhat complex and beyond the scope of this modest article.

Now that you are no longer a fashion disaster, it is time to read books and magazines and/or try to cultivate your own personal look. You can also start to reflect on second-order fashion issues like textures, patterns, etc. Ultimately, you'll look back at the days when you used to wear white socks and wonder what you were thinking; trust me in this regard.

Kleanthes Koniaris, email.